


Ink on Paper

by nadfangirline



Category: Original Work
Genre: Drabbles, Essays, F/F, F/M, Fanfiction, Gen, Literature, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27227503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadfangirline/pseuds/nadfangirline
Summary: a collection of written pieces by rngl
Kudos: 3





	1. Baggage

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: implications of suicidal thoughts, anxiety, negativity
> 
> [ Disclaimer: Work and some words are inspired from the song 'Six' by Sleeping At Last ( https://youtu.be/1_ikZcsTU0M ) but the rest are from the writer's personal experience. The picture was taken from pinterest and is not owned by the mod. This piece was written for #WorldSuicidePreventionDay. Please, if you need help, I am here (even if we don't know each other). Or if you don't feel comfortable, there are several hotlines that will assist you during these hard times. It may be hard but asking for help is never wrong. This just means you've done your best and would like some assistance. ]

The smile I hold everyday makes it seem like I've got everything together. However, as the days go by, I feel unable to grasp anything. Everything is slowly turning into shambles and I could only watch.

With each passing day, my mind grows heavy with the most unbelievable worst case scenarios. I try. I try to get it together, I look at every angle, I make up solutions for things that may never happen and I worry myself until I could no longer sleep.

I wake up everyday feeling restless. I know to myself that these fears cannot define who I am. That they cannot control me. But damn, I'm so tired of being afraid. Afraid of the possibilities, afraid of the hurt, disappointment and every other negativity that comes along with them.

I wonder, "What would it feel like if I were to put all these baggage down?"

I try. Everyday, I try. But the truth is, I honestly don't know. I'm not sure because I've tried but I don't know how so I end up failing. Because at some point, this is something I have control over. Carrying such large baggage was my choice. If I were to put them all down, even if it were still my choice, what else would I be left with? What else would I have control over?

Friends and even acquaintances offer assistance. They offer a safe space where I can slowly put these baggage down. There are times when I want to give up. I think that If I were to rest for eternity, I wouldn't have any problems. It would be hitting two birds with one stone. I used to plan how I would cross over, should it be painless or painful. I would wish to not wake up the next day as I cry in pain. But the encouragement and support I get from these people who love me has given me the motivation to fight.

Somehow, I still get lost in the middle. I am paralyzed with fear. What should I do? Am I doing the right thing? The 'what ifs' resurface and tries to drag me down. But as the day passes, as I fight this urge and wrestle with the demons inside me, I see that I may have been stronger than I realized. I have underestimated myself too much, too much that my mind has etched such information in my head.

Unpacking all these baggage and erasing all those etched memories were a handful but as they say, "tomorrow is another day". I have to believe, no, I want to believe, that these baggage can be put down. That I get to decide what happens next. That I still have control over my life after this.

As a control freak, the fear never subsided nor did it go away. But through professional help, I was able to keep it at bay. With the help of my support system, I was able to build these invisible walls and slowly but surely, with a vigilant heart, I leave them behind as I walk forward. 

I learned to take a deep breath. To take care of myself and my mental health. With a little courage (because even a little can make a difference), I wake up still restless but not as much as before. I sometimes still wake up wishing I never woke up in the first place. But they get better in time.

I trust that in the darkness, there will be light. And no matter what happens, if I choose to help myself, I'll be okay somehow. Not immediately but somehow.


	2. Unsent Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> unsent letters from a daughter to her mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is not copyedited and was written a few weeks back

i. Ma, I vividly remember how I wished to be an adult as soon as possible. It was the only way I could ever be able to give back to you. I was a very idealistic child, unaware of how cruel the world truly is. I planned ahead of me, I was going to give you everything you have ever wanted that you weren't able to have before.

ii. Ma, did you know? Whenever someone asked me who I wanted to be, I would always say, "My mom." I looked up to you so much, you were strong and brave. I tried to be like you, I took care of my friends and stood up for them but the difference was, I wasn't as brave as you. Protecting my friends backfired, I got bullied. I was told that I was being too much, that I should know my place.

iii. Ma, when I got older, my desire to be like you intensified. Slowly but surely, I was introduced to the cruelty of the world. I was bullied for looking the way I am. Despite my kindness, I was the joke that even my so-called friends laughed at. I was a big baby, I cried but you were always there to defend me.

iv. Ma, do you remember? I told you I was scared to enter the contest that the school was holding. You scolded me and told me to take the chance. You told me that out of your three children, you saw that I was the child with the most hidden potential. The Underdog.

v. Ma, I must admit, how you raised me wasn't always pretty. At some point, I was wrecked mentally and emotionally. I hated you for never choosing me. I once saw you as my idol, the person I want to be when I grew up, but all was shattered when we grew apart. Misunderstandings built a wall between us, but Ma, I hope you know that whatever happens, I will one day make you say, "I am so proud of what you've become."

vi. Ma, I know we don't talk like how we used to, but even so, you never failed to make me feel loved at some point. Do you remember when I told you that someone from my university called me ugly and said that he would rather die than be paired with me. I thought the same. I told you that even if I felt the same way, it still hurt. That day, I saw fire in your eyes. You were furious, you told me that whoever it was, was blind. You told me that I should've cursed at him like I normally would if my brother annoys me. You told me that I was beautiful, coming from you, it brought me to tears. You haven't really complimented me since we drifted apart.

vii. Ma, I know how much you disapprove of my decision to take a gap year. If it were me, I wouldn't have done it too. But I knew I wasn't fit for online classes. You told me that I was wasting my time. You told me that I was being stupid, "You actually think this will end in a year? What will you do? Will you drop out and be illiterate?" I remembered crying that night. There are times when I think my decision was wrong, I would feel dejected and regretful, but what hurts the most is how you make me feel like a disappointment.

viii. Ma, do you remember? We got into a fight a few months back, you told me to stop posting anything about my thoughts on the government. You told me that you didn't want anyone thinking that you had activist children. I was hurt, it made me feel suffocated. I was supposed to feel free in my own home but what I felt was the opposite.

ix. Ma, do you remember? You apologized for the first time. You told me that you, yourself, oppose the government and their corruption. You told me that you just didn't want anyone red tagging me and my sister. That night, I cried. You apologized because my sister told you why I was doing what I was doing. It made me feel sad, I said the same thing over and over but what I got was scolding and hurtful words.

x. Ma, did you know? I joined nongovernmental organizations without your knowledge. If you had known, you would have reprimanded me. You would tell me that I was wasting my time. You probably would say that I should have enrolled and just spent my time studying rather than investing my time on things that don't matter (to you that is).

xi. Ma, did you know? I sent an anonymous letter through PYOpen Your Heart. It was during the time I first had suicidal thoughts. I was in a dark place. We fought and you told me that you wished you never had me. You asked God why he gave you a daughter like me. That day, I told myself that I wasn't afraid to die anymore. Why would I stay when my own mother doesn't want me?

xii. Ma, did you know? When my letter came out, my bestfriend immediately knew it was me. She called me and listened as I sobbed without saying anything. It had hurt so much. Just the thought of talking about it brings me to tears. What kind of child would want to hear such words? How could one hate and love a person at the same time?

xiii. Ma, how ironic is it? You used to be my biggest idol, but now I just want to love you from afar. They said, "The very person you love, will also be the very person who has the ability to hurt you." They were right. I loved you more than I could ever imagine. I was a daddy's girl but you were the person I looked up to the most. You were the light of our home, a home that looked so perfect on the outside but far from perfect on the inside.

xiv. Ma, I'm writing this because I have realized that writing helps me unload these feelings of mine. These feelings that threaten to end me in a snap. Ma, I love you. And I know you love me too. Even in our most broken states, I know. Even if we have to put distance between us. I know. And I won't ever forget that. But I realized, we were better apart than together.

xv. Ma, I hope you understand. I hope one day, you listen. I hope one day you realize that material things don't equate to love anymore for me. I hope one day we get the chance to mend these broken parts of ours because I don't want to give up yet, Ma.


End file.
